Grief Bursts

My sister, Peggy Boyle Lamb, encouraged me to write about Grief Bursts on this website.

She told me it was the most important thing she learned about grief after our Mom’s death.

We talked about how helpful it’s been to have us four sisters share our Grief Bursts with each other.

We’ve taught our adult kids and grandchildren about them. It’s become part of Boyle Family Grieving Culture.

I asked her to share her wisdom about Grief Bursts:

Peggy:
A Grief Burst is an unexpected huge burst of emotion that you can’t escape.
It grabs you suddenly and takes you by surprise.
Often it happens somewhere you don’t want to be grieving.

Me:
Like the grocery store.

Peggy:
Yes, the card aisle.

Me:
Grief Burst in aisle six. (We laugh. We've both been there)

Peggy:
Sometimes it is worse than others. More intense.
It can be a takes- your- breath- away experience of grief.
It’s all consuming in the moment.

Me:
Yeah, and you look around and wonder, ‘ where the heck did that come from?’

Peggy:
Anything can trigger it, like near holidays, anniversaries, birthdays.
But often it’s connected to our senses.

Me:
Hmmm… that’s a new idea for me. Tell me your theory.

Peggy:
Well, think about it. Our memories of Mom are connected to our senses:
the smell of her perfume; the taste of her coffeecake recipe;
the sound of a robin chirping;
the sight of her bathrobe hanging in the closet…

Me:
Mine are connected to place, too.
Certain places can trigger a Grief Burst for me.

Peggy:
Grief bursts are different for me than sadness.
Sadness lingers. Grief bursts don’t.
Once a Grief Burst is over, I’m drained, but I feel better.

Me:
Why do you feel better?

Peggy:
Well, that’s the other part that needs to happen.
The best therapy is to tell someone or to write it down.
It helps me to have someone I can call or text and simply say,
“I’m having a Grief Burst”.
They don’t have to fix it or say anything to make it better.
They just have to listen.

HOW TO RESPOND TO GRIEF BURSTS:

Let your tears flow.

Take a breath.

Feel your feet on the ground.

Name it. (This reminds your brain that your feelings will pass.)

Later you may be able to figure out what sparked it. It doesn’t matter if you can’t.

And, find someone to tell who understands.

Pet Loss

You are a grieving pet owner
and your heart has been broken
by the loss of your pet.
Maybe many times.

You might be afraid that you will be
judged or criticized for your grief.

Well meaning friends and family
might say, “Don’t feel bad, it was
only a cat (dog, rabbit, horse…)
or, “You can always get another one.”

You might end up thinking
there is something wrong with you
for feeling so sad.
You might end up feeling
ashamed for your normal and
natural emotional reactions
to the death of your pet.

Some common responses to pet loss are:

reduced concentration

numbness

changes in sleep and eating

grief bursts.

We connect deeply with our pets
in ways that are different
than with the humans in our lives.

These cherished connections
need to be honored and grieved.

I get it. Truly, I do.

Contact me for more information or to schedule a session.

Disenfranchised Grief

It saddens me that this kind of invisible and ignored grief even exists.
But since it is rampant in our culture,
I want to name and explain it.
You might already know what I’m talking about.

“Disenfranchised grief refers to grief experiences
not openly acknowledged,
socially accepted
or publicly mourned”₁

Here are some examples:

• The relationship isn’t recognized or validated (friend, co-worker, your ex, same-sex partner, lover, aged parent, teacher, celebrity, etc.)

• The bereaved person isn’t recognized (children, people with developmental disabilities, elderly with dementia, people incarcerated, etc.)

• Suicide

• Pregnancy loss, stillbirth, infant death.

• Abortion

• The stigma of mental illness, AIDS, alcoholism or drug addiction

• Pet loss

Unfortunately, silence usually surrounds these kinds of deaths.
People might want to say something, but they don’t know what to say.
Or they are oblivious and say an insensitive thing to you.

There can also be pressure when well-meaning friends or family
attempt to put a time limit on your right to grieve.

This can lead to feelings of shame.
You wonder if there’s something wrong with you.

If your loss falls into one of the categories listed above,
please know that your grief is real and deserves support.

Your grief is normal and natural.
You can trust your feelings of sorrow.

As for shame?
It doesn’t belong to you.
If you need some help
breaking free of shame
and cultural silence,
please contact me.

1“GriefWork: Healing from Loss” by Fran Zamore & Ester Leutenberg, p.11

Newly Bereaved

Your loved one has died.

It may be a parent, child, partner-spouse, relative or friend.

Your heart is breaking.

It feels like your life has gone up in flames.

You’re shocked. You’re barely making it through the day.

Your mind is busy with all the things that need to be done;

Yet, it’s hard to focus. You forget things.

You sleep too much. You can’t sleep at all. You’re exhausted.

You wonder if you’ll ever stop crying. Or start.

You’re afraid you’re going crazy.

Everything is changed. Nothing feels okay.

You can’t imagine going on without them.

You’re not sure how you’ll survive.

I can help you get through these early days, weeks and months.

I can help you grieve and go on living, step by step.

I can help you deal with the new changes in your life.

Contact me.

Anticipatory Grief

This kind of grief is how you might feel
as you watch your loved one dying.
They might be on Hospice.
Perhaps they are slowly leaving through dementia.

You know what’s coming.
You just don’t know when.

You have time to prepare
and absorb the loss.

It can be an exhausting period .
It is easy to lose your identity
as you take on the role of caregiver.

Sometimes there is family conflict.
Often there is financial stress.

The uncertainty can be difficult.
It can feel like riding a roller coaster of emotion
as you track on your beloved’s trajectory toward death.

There can be anguish in witnessing their suffering
as well as grace in the midst of it.

Fears arise:
- fear of the actual death
- fear of a medical crisis
- fear of not knowing what to do
- fear of not knowing if you can handle it
- fear of how it’ll be after they’re gone.

But it can also be a time of healing.
There can be:
- beautiful moments
- funny moments
- wise and tender moments.

There can be love expressed
that wasn’t able to be expressed before.
There can be forgiveness.
There can be gratitude.

And maybe even,
healing between you and your loved one,
if healing is possible.
You can say what needed saying
to resolve past conflicts.

You can say good-bye.

Even so,
it can still be shocking
when they really do die.
You knew it was coming,
but still….

You might be surprised
to discover that
no matter how much
you grieved before their death,
there is still more grieving to do.

You might feel guilty
that you feel some relief.
You might not know what to do with yourself
once you are no longer care-giving.

If you are in this situation,
please take good care of yourself
and reach out for support.
Remember to rest when you can.
You, too, are going through a transition
as you prepare for that time
when your loved one is birthed
out of their body…

Counseling can help with anticipatory grief.
Contact me to learn more.